A job interview, or two

I want a laid-back job. Not one where I have to dress up, take out my piercing, brush my hair or take a shower. You get the picture. I just want to be, well, me.



I applied at Zumiez a while back. Do I skateboard? No. Do I wear their clothes? Nope. But this place seemed like it has a pretty chill environment.

TOO BAD THEY NEVER CALLED ME.

I guess they didn't buy me singing Avril's "He was a skater boy" as I did ollies on my imaginary skateboard with my application in hand.



Just when I was thinking about calling the job hunt quits, I decided to spend more money I didn't have. I went to Ybor to go to this show and the girls and I wandered to Urban Outfitters where I looked at all the neat things saying,
"OOOOH I love that!" and
"When I get a job, I'm coming for this!" and
"This is what I want for Christmas, hint hint, nudge nudge." etc etc.

That was about the moment when the sky parted. The birds sang. Rainbows, butterflies, Starbucks (Tall Mocha Frappucinno, please)

Yes, yours truly filled out a job application for Urban Outfitters, where hardest question was, "What was the last CD you bought?"

The interview was much of the same. Until the manager dropped the bomb.

"Ok, you're stuff checks out, so now we just need you to fill out a questionaire online and if you pass...."

Profanities coursed through my head. I tried so hard not outwardly show my inward upheaval.

If you've ever had to take one of those tests, I'm sure you know what I mean.



Alright. So I may be exaggerating a little bit. It's not exactly THAT kind of test, but it may as well be!

It's one of those timed things that asks you all sorts of personal questions, all relating to the following categories:

Drug use
Stealing
Lying
Following the rules
blah, blah, blah

These tests wouldn't be so bad if there wasn't so much pressure. Especially if the test asks THE question:

"Do you lie?"

Now, how in the hell are you supposed to answer that in a "Yes" or "No" format? This question royally fucks anyone trying to get a job anywhere and should be banned.

If you answer "Yes," then whatever dipshit that put the question on the test will think that you are a liar and that you probably lied about every other question you answered on the test.

If you say "No," then the dipshit will still think that you are a liar because come on, everybody lies from time to time.

This is a lose-lose situation, people.


Luckily, this question was not on the test for Urban Outfitters.

I'll give you one guess as to what kind of corporation DOES have this absurd question.
*Cough, Victoria's Secret, Cough*

Anyway, I passed the test for Urban, and go for a second interview Thursday.

Two interviews?

Do I Really Need a Job?

I don't want to get another job.

As a matter of fact, I'd be perfectly content with going back to my initial plan of becoming a hobo. Or maybe a cat lady.



I mean, how can I go back to a regular ho-hum mall job after working at Howl-O-Scream? Just remembering my last regular job gives me shivers.

You would think that Victoria's Secret would be a great place to work.

Think again, my friends. Think again.



Sure, getting discounts and free bras sounds great. But what price do you really pay?

"Kristin, measure this ridiculously fat lady's boobs because I'm too lazy."

"Kristin, sorry I'm a half an hour late this morning. I know I told you to be here at 8:30 a.m., but I just HAD to buy donuts."

"Kristin, don't stand with your arms crossed. It's not inviting."

"Kristin, organize every panty in the entire store while I sit here on my fat ass and eat."

"Kristin, sell a credit card to that lady over there and I'll buy you a cookie."

What? Do I look like a fucking monkey? Do it yourself, bitch.

I became one of those annoying people. You know, the ones that bombard you the first second you walk through the door of the store. The ones that try to sell you something you don't want. I was forced to sell 2 credit cards every 4 hour shift I worked.

But measuring people's breasts sounds fun, right?

Maybe to a guy. Or a lesbian. But the stories I can tell would be sure to steer both away from the female race.

"I'm sorry ma'am. We don't carry 82 FFF at Victoria's Secret."



Once, this old lady tried to get me touch her underwear.
WHILE SHE WAS STILL WEARING THEM.

Another time, I fitted this lady for a bra who was rather strange looking.
Her boobs, I mean. They just looked off. She told me that she shouldn't be the size I had fitted her for because she had just gotten a boob job.
That explained it. It was a terrible boob job.
"Are you wearing a pushup bra?" I asked her.
"I'm not wearing any bra," she stated with a creepy smile.

Oh. my. god.

So not worth the measely $7 an hour.

I had to get the hell out of that place. In the end, they only gave me about 6 hours a week because they kept hiring new sluts to work the panty tables.

Greedy bastards.

Hooray for Corporate America.

Wish me luck on my quest for a new job.

Become a Part of the Madness

July. That's when auditions are. Because ex Howl-O-Scream workers can't stand to wait any longer.

July is actually the auditions for those who have worked Howl-O-Scream before, but anyone can go. The early dates are only advertised to us, so we get first dibs on what positions we want to work. FYI- I'll be in Masters and Monsters again next year.

The regular auditions run from August through the beginning of October.

Now, I know you're thinking, "Audition? I don't know if I can do that."



Trust me. You can.

Here's what it entails:
- Doing bullshit paperwork
- Signing more papers, yaddayadda
- ACTING LIKE A FOOL

You audition in groups of ten in this large, spacious room. There is a panel of people at one end watching and taking notes.

What do you have to do you ask?

Walk like a zombie. Dig a grave. Turn into a werewolf. Pretend like someone is following you. Pretend that half of your body is limp.

Everyone does it together. People are screaming, falling on the ground foaming at the mouths. You know, this is normal for them.

I generally am not quite SO open about being a freak. So, it may feel a little weird, but once you watch the crazy guy next to you rolling around on the ground ripping off his shirt, you feel a lot better about yourself.



The next part of the audition is working with a wall. The wall looks like one you would find in a haunted house. There are drop doors to open, holes to poke out from and more hidden spaces meant to scare from.

Everyone is assigned a spot and must scare the guy that walks by.

After you are done with that, you find out what position you will be in.

Basically everyone who auditions gets a part. You just have to loosen up a little. Just a little.

It'll be good for you.

I'll see you there!

Final Weekend!

It was a bittersweet ending. The last weekend of making people scream, jump, fall and spill drinks all over themselves. The last weekend of making like-minded twisted friends, getting paid to stay up all night and wearing gory makeup. The last weekend of having to put up with insults from crazed guests, dodging punches and being disgustingly sweaty.

In the end, it was definitely worth it.

Despite my clumsiness. If you ever walked through the zone, chances are you saw me trip over myself, get my hair stuck in a tree or fall down a step. I somehow broke my big toenail off, even though I wore closed toed shoes.

The last shift of the last night was the best yet. The zone was complete chaos. Dancing, singing and yelling absurd things.

The best thing about Howl-O-Scream is that you are allowed to act like a complete lunatic. You are allowed to run around and be creepy. You are allowed to scare people senseless.

I have this theory: that everyone has a little sick, psycho inside of them waiting to come out. And this is the perfect outlet. Because you don't actually have to kill anyone.

Howl-O-Scream makes Halloween a month affair. What more could you ask for?

Stay tuned on how YOU TOO can be a part of it....

BUAHAHAHA

Take a Daytime Tour of the Zone!