An ending

I don't like to cry. I especially don't like to cry in public. There's something so humiliating about putting yourself out there like that. There's something shameful in being honest about your emotions with other people. I don't know why, but that's the way it is.

I can remember several moments that I've cried in public:
In fifth grade, when I had a 103 degree fever.
In my tenth grade math class, when one of my brothers was kicked out of our house.
Two weeks after I got my driver's license, when I got my first speeding ticket.
Last Saturday at work.

Before I went in, I wondered if I should call out because I hadn't gotten much sleep the night before and I felt like I was teetering on the edge of an emotional cliff. But I went in anyways. I figured keeping myself busy would somehow keep me from thinking about how miserable I was. About how terrified I was. About how I had let things get to this.

So I wore my best mask. I used my best automated "I'm fine, how are you?" responses.

It worked for about an hour and a half.

Then, one of my managers asked me if I was ok. I said I was fine.
"Are you sure? You seem flustered," she said.
"No, I'm ok. I'm just dealing with a few things," I trailed off.
"Nothing wrong here?"

Why, oh why couldn't she just drop it? Every lying answer I gave only made things harder and harder for me to bear.

"No, just some stuff at home," I said.

But that was the final straw. I couldn't look her in the eyes. I could feel my face getting red and blotchy. I could feel my eyes swell, threatening to spill over. I tried to blink it out. I tried to think about something positive.

She just stood there waiting. It's like she knew this was coming, and she was just trying to coax it out of me all along. I had held it all day, and I couldn't hold it any longer. This was it. I was breaking.

I started to cry, right there by the front registers. My manager let me leave the floor. I trudged up the stairs, trying my best to hold it in. I futilely wiped my eyes in an attempt to hide the tears staining my cheeks. The tears that were leaving behind evidence that nothing, in fact, was alright.

I got to the employee bathroom where I sat on the floor and cried.

I have a few days off. I think it will be good for me.